Ending Messages
The ending messages are messages found in the Office after punching out of any non-speedrun level. These messages are presented in the form of printouts and newspaper clippings. They will tell the player how well they did and what they may have missed. One will always receive the following messages: * Inspection Notice * Employer's Comment Aside from these two messages, the player can also find newspaper clippings to show the consequences of other actions, if the player had not fully completed the level. If the player did a good enough job on a level, they may can receive a promotion. This promotion often angers fellow colleagues, who will write the player a death threat via a service similar to e-mail. These messages can also be found in the form of printouts. The following are newspaper clippings that one may find in the Office after punching out before being completely done with the level. Please keep in mind that this text has been typed over directly from the game itself, and that there are intentional spelling mistakes in these messages that are found in the game as well. Upon leaving blood 'DISTURBED MAN CONSUMES BLOOD' What began as an innocent attempt to locate ketchup for his Quasar-Emporer, Mr.P Haus instead found a patch of blood he believed to be ketchup. Upon consumption, he quickly discovered it was in fact blood, but instead of being disgusted, Mr. Haus obtained an unnatural taste for it, and has since started seeking it wherever and whenever he can. The Administration are taking steps to punish those who left the blood within reach and thus brought about the official probe into the company's ongoing suspicious activities. WORKER SLIPS ON BLOOD; BLEEDS Tragedy struck on Monday morning when Dr. A Gribbler was caught unaware by a small patch of blood from one of his former colleagues. The blood remains unidentified but the cause of the accident is clear; Failure on the part of the janitorial workforce. An inquiry has been launched to discover who is responsible for the poorly sanitized facility. Alien invasion notwithstanding, heads will roll. Upon leaving a piece of trash 'LITTER CRASHES CYBORG OS' Scientists from a nearby moon are furious after one of their Cyborg prototypes somehow escaped and made it to the station, where it had a critical error, shut down, fell over, and somehow exploded. Its data core suggests a rare bug in the Cyborg's code caused it to crash after sighting station trash. Administration board members are in talks with the scientists to resolve the issue and see that justice is done as swiftly as possible. As it so happens, the sanitation crew is currently under investigation for their involvement. TRASH A HAZARD; STUDY FINDS A new study shows that 82 percent of station trash is harmful to workers. Researches are astonished by their own findings. Quoted to have said: "This is beyond anything we expected, we have proven conclusively that trash is in-fact harmful!" "We hope this will open people's eyes, and bring about meaningful change." Company management is reluctant to acknowledge responsibility. Instead, fingers are pointed at bereft custodians, who decry this unheard of action. Upon leaving a piece of viscera 'SANITATION PROTOCOLS STINK' The start of the work day for many was met with a smell beyond description. After hours of nauseating searching, workers found the rotting remains of a piece of viscera. The station workforce is livid, and demand compensation for their immeasurable suffering. Meanwhile, the company intends to punish those responsible with harsh full measures. One thing is for sure, the whole matter reeks of incompetence, and gazes of suspicion abound. SANITATION PROTOCOLS ARE A LAUGH Bungles, the station's resident clown has a new act; Viscera Juggling. Workers are slacking off work all over the station to come see his latest performance. After the success of his 'Banana Split' trick, the performance is sure to be just as good. Manangement are poo pooing Buncles once again, but he remains defianrt in the face of stern faces. For the moment, management have turned their frowns towards the sad sanitation division. It sounds like they could use Bungles' unique talents! Upon leaving a piece of glass 'WORKER DISASSEMBLED BY GLASS' Early tuesday morning, station workers discovered a dismembered colleague(No one knew his name). Station authorities believe the man's arm was severed after tripping on his shoes while attempting to pick up his illegal possession; Spice. Administration have seized the substance for 'proper' disposal, and intend to "Peruse suspects at some point in the past". Whatever that means. Either way, those responsible are sure to be treading carefully from now on. 'WORKER VITRIFIED WITH TERROR' Workers were in shock this week after discovering one of their colleagues had died mysteriously near some glass shards. The worker in questions, a known psychotic case employed as part of the Lunarcy Initiative, is believed to have committed suicide after seeing his own reflection in shards of broken glass. This is sure to put a dampener of the Lunarcy Initiative's ongoning program, and a black mark on the records of those responsible for the glass. Upon leaving scorch marks behind 'DARKNESS GAINS GROUND; HAVE HOPE' The darkness is strong, but we must have hope, we must fight to the last, just as Mr. John Stevens (Fire Faerie) did. Though the darkness enveloped his life, we as his fellow sprites who supported him, gave him light enough to reach the other side and beyond! As to those who left the dark black scorch marks on the station, and gave the darkness passage, we must show them the way before they swallow us all. But we must do it with light and love. 'BLIND MAN DISCOVERS BLACKNESS' A blind worker discovered dark scorch marks on the walls of the station last week. How exactly he discovered them, no one knows. However, he spent 2 hours trying to convince someone to follow him and take a look themselves. Ultimately, there was in fact nothing there, but scorch marks WERE found on the other side of the facility. Management is currently seeking those responsible, and expect to have the culprits within a week. Upon leaving one of the lightning guns in Cyrogenesis behind. 'SHOCKING DEATH DRAINS UNION POWERS' Union regulations have suffered a major setback after 2 workers electrocuted themselves with an HVC Mk9 Lightning Gun earlier this week. Sketchy reports indicate that worker A tripped on the weapons trigger, and was then held in the air by the arc. Worker B rushed to his colleague's aid, grabbing the weapon. However, he was unable to depress the toggle-design trigger before the weapon overcharged. Workers have since been issued TVE Squibb 5s as replacements. Upon disposing of the laser welder I'NCOMPETENCE BURNS B&C RATING' In a shocking turn of events, incompetent employees have illegally disposed of valuable company property again. The continual failure on the part of our employees means we have lost out 'Briefcase & Charlie' company rating. As a result, there will be less company parties and memorabilia. Are we going to sit by while the lesser staff burn away our administrative privileges? I think it's time we dealt with these so-called employees once and for all. (Note that storing the laser welder in Janitor's Trunk will trigger this as well.) Upon leaving barrels on their sides OVERTURNED BARREL SLAYS WORKER On Monday morning, Mr. A Nosferatu was going through his usual routine when it suddely went horribly wrong. From out of the shadows, a merciless and cruel killer pounced, blocking his way. Mr. Nosferatu was forced to topple over the silent killer, breaking his neck. This is the second victim to have been claimed this month by overturned barrels while working on the station, both times in dark areas. Workers are advised to carry extra protection. Upon leaving buckets or bins ALL KILLER NO BIN FILLER An aggressive and vengeful murderer claimed Mr. G Mann last week. The admin worker was attacked and beaten repeatedly with a Disposal Bin. Liberal amounts of blood at the scene and especially on the man's briefcase indicate that the killer is a psychopathic lunatic who likely escaped from the nearby lunar asylum. Administration is taking the matter seriously, and seek to punish the true culprits, incompitent sanitation workers. Leaving the bin on the work site was an ill move. MAN KICKS BUCKET; DIES Station staff were left in shock yesterday when a man mysteriously died after kicking over a bucket. Management are doing their best to contain the situation, fearing a fresh bout of reduced work efficiency as word spreads and workers congregate in larger numbers and for longer times during breaks. How exactly the man died is unclear. However, management is clear on who to punish; the sanisation division. Condolences were sent to the family for their loss. Upon failing to restock first-aid kits THE PACK IS A LIE; CLAIMS ADMIN Yesterday afternoon, an administrative employee was filing his paper work when he accidentally cut his finger on a post-it note. Panic-stricker, he searched the facility for medical supply units. Mr. P Doefile, being unable to find any, tragically died soon thereafter. Management is furious about the less of a valued space-golfing partner, and seek to catch the culprit of this brutal accident. Reproachful eyes peer in the direction of sanitation staff, who were working in the area the night before. Upon leaving the incinerator door open HOT PROBLEM COOKS GOOSE Failing ventilation systems and blazing heat awaited morning workers as they made their way to their work stations. Reports indicate that a high temperature incinerator unit was left on with the doors open overnight causing significant damage to systems and a shortage of X-Butanateor gas. Serial numbers on the unit point to the sanitation division, and may lead to the culprit. The sanitation division is already in high waters, but this time they may be in the hot seat as well. Upon leaving bullet holes BULLET HOLE A DRUG HOLE Investiations into drug use on the Station finally lead to the arrest of a worker who hid his spice in a bullet hole in the wall. Authorities were accusing management of poor conduct, claiming they could have found the drugs sooner if there were no bullet holes to hide spice in. Management is of course blaming the sanitation division for the bullet hole's presence and are demanding that the culprits come forward. Upon leaving spent ammunition A BAD CASE(ING) OF INDIGESTION A station office worker died the other day after consuming a Wang-Chow synthesized noodles meal. Ordinarly no autopsy would be neccesary but it was performed anyway, and by chance it was discovered that he had eaten a shell casing. Reports indicate it was a practical joke played by a fellow colleague. Bad blood perhaps? Attempes are being made to find the suspect. Meanwhile, management is using all its resources to punish the cleaning crew who left the shell casings on the scene they were employed to clean. CASING KILLS NUT CASE None other than the 'Howler' himself was killed by a stray shell casing on monday morning. Well known as a mythical figure and local legend on the station, this man has terrified many a worker with his odd howling sounds and occasional glimpses. No one knows when he first appeared, or who he is. Now we may never, but at least his tormented utterences will cease. The cause of his death remains suspicious, and there are certain to be punishments laid out for the stray casing that could have killed anyone. Fired notice Dear Employee: Your conduct during last week's work shift has lead to an official inquiry into the company's operations. We cannot afford to continue employing such destructively incompetent individuals such as yourself. Consider this your final notice; You are fired! Authorities will be over to question you soon. You are to have your locker cleaned out by tomorrow, and you are to hand in your mop at once. Thank you, and good day.